Secret (Photos)

 Daniel Derek Shepherd, 15

 Peyton Addison Shepherd, 15

Roxie Liliana Shepherd, 13

Standing in the Highway

“Talia, -”

The girl slowly raised her eyes to look at her father. She knew what she was going to read on his face, but she still wasn't fully ready to meet his disgusted disappointed look.

Talia swallowed. She wasn't taking drugs. Not in that moment. But she was thinking about it, and the pills she had in her hand said it all. She tried it. At first, she told herself, it was once. It was a game. Once and then she would stop. But once became twice, and then she did it again, and soon she started to crave it and want to buy it and she couldn't stop. But she did, because she had a big family and it was impossible not to hear stories. She found out this thing about Amelia, her favorite aunt. She used drugs too, when she was younger. Talia understood from her mother's voice how much pain she had caused and she swore to herself that she would stop. But now, after a while, she was physically suffering without pills. She needed it. Badly. Cigarettes weren't enough. After one pill the day before, she hid the others in her room, planning to use them only if she really needed them. But they were too close to be ignored, and she couldn't help but reach for them. They were perfect.

Her father, Derek, slammed the door as he exited her bedroom. Talia hid the pills again, putting them under her pillow. The less she saw them, the higher was the chance of her not taking them for a while.

A minute later, Talia heard her mother yell. Something along the lines of 'don't joke about this'. Then she heard her steps on the stairs. She started to feel scared. She didn't want them to be angry. She didn't want them to be disappointed. Talia felt a void in her heart. She felt numb.

Meredith opened the door with so much strength that it hit the wall in a dull noise, making Talia wince.

“Is it true?”

Lowering her eyes, Talia began to play with the hem of her aqua green shirt.

“Is it true?”

Talia winced again. Her mother could be really strict, but with her she'd never get that angry. She knew, though, that that time she had a good reason to be awfully mad.

“I'm sorry, Mom. Yes, it's true. I'm sorry. So sorry. It won't happen again.”

Lost in her – useless – apologies, Talia didn't notice Meredith walk closer to her bed, and the last thing she expected was to be slapped.

The girl felt like she couldn't breathe anymore. She felt horrible, but didn't want to cry in front of her mother. In the end, she knew she deserved it. She knew what her mother thought about drugs. She knew why she hated them so much. In that moment, she couldn't even remember what she liked about those stupid pills.

As she watched Meredith leave the room, she wondered how that night's family dinner would go. Everyone would be told. Her aunts, her older cousins, her uncles, her brothers, her grandmother. Amelia.

x

Five hours later, after a long hot shower and a failed attempt to stay calm, Talia silently made her her way downstairs. The big table was set, and by the pleasant smell that came from the kitchen the girl could guess the food was almost ready. The house was full of people. Her young cousins were running everywhere, like always, and a CD of The Clash was covering any other sound, like always.

For a split second, only a moment, Talia felt normal. She inhaled the familiarity of that scenes. Then, it all disappeared again.

Derek's eyes were the first to meet hers. The were pure eyes. It hurt her, that look, but not as much as her grandmother's sad one.

Derek turned away to talk to Hilary's husband, who glanced at her briefly but didn't say anything.

“What happened?” one of her brothers asked, moving his eyes from a person to another one, in search of an answer that no one was going to give.

“Nothing.” Talia sighed. If he hadn't been told – he was only fourteen after all – she wouldn't be the one to let him know.

Jonah shrugged, and returned to his playstation. Talia realized she needed a comforting presence beside her, but no one would give it to her.

She leaned against the wall, observing her family in silence. The adults were talking, the kids were playing, but despite the normality of those activities Talia could sense tension. No one looked at her directly, and if they did they immediately looked away. When three-year-old Ollie walked past her, Talia was tempted to pick him up and hold him close. But before she could, the little boy was already in his mother's arms, asking for food. Talia fought hard not to cry.

She was the last one to sit at the table, between her father and her cousin Colin. Colin was nineteen, only a year younger than her, and she understood he knew when he squeezed her hand gently under the table.

In front of them was sitting Amelia, who was holding her one-year-old son Ryan. Talia noticed right away that she was avoiding to look at her, despite that fact that it was almost impossible since they were one in front of the other. Amelia kept looking at her son, or at her plate, or at her left or right to talk to her sisters.

She barely ate.

After dinner, Talia silently went back to her room, knowing she wasn't wanted downstairs. She hadn't cried yet, but she couldn't hold it in anymore. She gasped for air, action that made her release a lot of big tears.

She fell on the bed, reaching or her old ruined teddy bear. She didn't feel twenty years old, she felt like a little girl who's just been sent to time-out. Only it was a hundred times worst.

Colin and Jeremy, Kathleen's son, entered her room not long after, wrapping her in a hug. Talia didn't know what was pushing them to be so nice, but instead of questioning it she hugged them back, as tight as she could, afraid that if she let them go they would leave her.

Colin kissed her forehead as he kind of cuddled her back and forth. “I remember when we were little. You've always hated the silent treatment. You preferred to be scolded, or even punished. You've never borne to be ignored.”

Who would?, she thought, as she sensed herself falling asleep.

x

The next day, nothing had changed in the house. Talia's mother was keeping herself busy cleaning around, her father was writing who-knows-what on his computer and Jonah and Micah were at a friend's house.

Talia felt like a stranger in her own home, because no one talked to her. Meredith only asked her to clean her bathroom, but that was all she said to her.

She tried to concentrate on studying for her next exam, but it was hard with all the guilt she felt. Her family's disappointed faces were all she could think about.

Later that afternoon, she gave in. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and she knew she wouldn't have been able to until she talked to her Aunt Amelia. She was shaking slightly as she dialed her number. She probably was still at work, but in an hour she would have gone home so she probably didn't have many patients.

“Hello?”

Talia didn't honestly expect her to answer. Through the phone, she could hear baby Ryan's giggles.

“Hi, Aunt Amelia.”

Amelia stayed silent for a while. She probably hadn't checked who was calling her and was now wondering whether to hang up not. Talia was sure of that. “Hi.”

“I was, was thinking...” Talia stopped. She couldn't breathe. She didn't want Amelia to say no. “I'd like to talk to you. If you want, I mean. Could we meet after your shift?”

Again, a giant pause. Talia realized she'd forgotten to say 'please', but she was too nervous to add it now.

Amelia adjusted Ryan on her hip. “Okay.”

The answer was hesitant, and Talia knew her aunt was just as angry as the rest of the family, maybe even more, that she didn't know, but at least she didn't hang up the phone and she accepted to meet her.

“Uhm, okay. Then I'll stop by at your practice.”

Amelia nodded, not realizing that Talia couldn't see her. Absentmindedly, absorbed by her son's movements, she closed the call without a spoken answer.

x

Talia had expected Amelia to call her back and cancel, but after all why would she want to talk to her? Talia had always been insecure, but after the previous night she felt more lost than ever before in her life.

Amelia walked out of the building pushing Ryan's stroller. She wasn't smiling, but at least she looked at her without diverting her eyes.

“Where do you want do go?” she asked. It wasn't her usual voice, but Talia settled for it without a complaint.

“Every place is okay. The park, if you want. Or just that bench over there.”

“There's too much sun here for Ryan. The park is better.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

They walked in silence. Amelia was trying to find something to say to her niece, but all she could think about was herself taking drugs. She hadn't touched any kind of pill in almost two decades, but she still remembered it as it had happened a few hours earlier.

At the park they found a bench under a big tree, in the shadow. Amelia handed Ryan a cookie and a bottle of milk, knowing it would make him sleepy.

Talia bit her lip. She desperately wanted her aunt to say something, but she was mute. How could she start the conversation?

“I'm sorry.” she said.

Amelia nodded. “At least you are sorry. Do you have any idea...” Amelia sighed. Talia had always been a good girl, barely putting herself in trouble. A great student, ambitious, nice with everyone, generous and smiley. Why would she feel the need to take drugs? “Let me rephrase that. I know you know what you did was wrong. And I'm glad you have the good sense to apologize, because it's the least I expect you to do. Everyone makes mistakes, I mean, you're talking to me, but the fact is, Talia, that you were the last person we expected it from. Several of your cousins could have done it and it would have been different. At least for me. We know a lot of the boys of this family like to dare, to push themselves to the limit, but you... you've never disappointed us in any way and disappointing us by taking drugs was the wrong way to disappoint us.”

Is there a good way to disappoint people?, Talia wanted to ask, but let her aunt continue instead.

“I probably would have handled it better if you told me you were pregnant, or that you failed your exams, or that you were, I don't know, quitting college. But drugs, after what I've done in the past no one in the family can stand that word. They hate it. You have no idea how much I've scared them when I was using. I knew no limit, Talia. I completely lost the control and I didn't think I'd ever tell this to any of my nieces or nephews but... I almost died. I almost died and knowing how much I would have hurt them, how much I hurt everyone by doing what I did... it made me stop. I don't want you to do my mistakes.”

“It was only once.”

“It wasn't once, Talia. It's never only once. You wouldn't keep those in your room if you didn't want to take more. Tell me the truth.”

Talia lowered her eyes. “I just wanted to try it. It was before I knew about you. I wouldn't have otherwise. I tried it and then... then I needed more.”

“I know, Talia. Once you try it, you'll always need more. But I'll tell you what now. You're going back home, and throwing the pills away. And if you ever buy them again, or accept something from a friend, I can assure you I'll make sure you never crave it again. Consider it a threat. I'll know if it happens, Talia. I've been there, I've done that, I will understand. But I hope it won't be necessary.”

Talia nodded with a small sigh. She needed a hug, but was afraid her aunt would reject her. To her surprise, Amelia pulled her towards her.

“I didn't think you wanted to see me. When I called you earlier, I was sure you'd hang up as soon as you realized it was me.”

“You're my niece, Talia. I'd never hang up the phone on you or turn my back at you. When you need help, I'm always here. But last night wasn't only hard for you, it was awful also for all of us. You have to understand it. My mother and siblings saw me lie on a hospital bed, almost lifeless. They saw me as the ghost of myself. We were angry, yes, but mostly scared.”

“It won't happen again.”

“I hope so.”

“I mean it, Amelia. I just... I need my parents now, but...”

“You've come to me. Have you tried to talk to them?”

“I would have felt awful if you didn't want to see me, but having my parents reject me would be so much worse. I'm scared.”

“Go home, kid, and talk to them. Try at least. Then call me and let me know how it went. And Talia, don't expect things to be normal immediately. We will be disappointed for a while, but we all love you. We'll never stop.”

“Okay.”

x

The house was silence when Talia walked in. Her brothers had come home, and they were watching some show about cars on TV with Derek.

“Dad? I'd like to talk to you and Mom. Is that okay?” she said after taking a big breath.

“Yeah, I guess.” Derek stood up. He didn't know what to do. He had already been through it with his sister, but he didn't want things between him and Talia to become tense as they had been with Amelia. “Wait in the kitchen. I'll get your mother.”

Talia nodded, wrapping her arms around her own waist.

Although only two minutes had passed when her parents walked in the kitchen, it seemed an endless time to Talia.

Her mother had her arms folded on her chest. “Talk.” she said firmly.

It took Talia all her strength to look her parents in the eyes. She wanted to look at them as she talked.

“I'm sorry for what I did. Most of teenagers or in my case twenty-year-old's have the desire to try drugs once in their life, just to see what some people find so special about them, or so that they can say they tried. I shouldn't have accepted that first pill... and I should have taken another one. I thought it was a game, at first. I didn't realize what I was doing until I heard you talking about Aunt Amelia, but it was already too late and although I didn't want pills I needed them. I'm sorry. I just – I don't think I can stop by myself. I need your help. You're my parents. Please help me. Forgive me.” those last words were said through tears. Talia felt like she was in a dream. All of a sudden she felt her father's arms around her, and she gladly disappeared in his embrace. “I'm sorry, Daddy.” she sobbed.

“I know, baby girl. It's okay, I know.”

“Mom?”

Meredith sighed. When her husband told her about Talia's pills she felt like she was standing on a highway, in the middle, about to be run over by a car. But now, now that she had calmed down a little and heard her daughter's cry for help, she was sure she could easily drift to a quiet boring peaceful country road. Everything would be okay.

With a small smile – she was still scared and angry and a lot of other things – Meredith joined her husband and only daughter in the hug.